Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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