the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
