So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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