while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
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