Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
