Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
