My nipple is on Facebook.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
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