She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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