i barfeds in our rink
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
