you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
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