I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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