You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize