Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
i out mim tonsoeep
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