just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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