I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
