if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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