Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
