Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Randomize
