The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
