I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
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