I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Randomize
