is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
