First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
