i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
