I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
