The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
