Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
