i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
