Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
