Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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