I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Randomize
