if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize