my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Hippo gnu deer
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
