Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize