Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
