Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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