I could make wine with my vomit
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
