i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Randomize
