I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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