I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
My vagina is officially offended.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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