It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize