I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
It's blow job season.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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