I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
