I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
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