A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Randomize
