I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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