i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Randomize
