Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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