She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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