I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Randomize
