there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
organizing the empties. That sober.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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