about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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