I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
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