He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize