there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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