I hope mine doesn't look like that
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
