New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
