He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
