ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
