The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
