Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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