I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
