I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
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