Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
